"Dwell In Possibility"

Top 10 Films of 2009 (And the Many I Still Want to See)

As much as I love to watch movies I’m horrible about seeing new releases because I usually only actually go to the theater if a movie really excites me.  Even if I’m excited about it it often takes me a while before I get around to seeing it.  This usually ends up leaving me with a very select few (And even many of these usually disappoint … Especially this year … what a Horrible year for Movies!).  So though I’ve probably only seen a very small handfull of the films released this year …  here are some of my favorites (It was very hard to come up with 10).  They are in no particular order except that 500 Days of Summer was by far the best.  :  )  I also included the 2009 releases that I would still like to see (The length of this is list is perhaps related to the reason why my top 10 list was so hard to come up with). 

Top 10 in 2009

• 500 Days of Summer
• Whip It
• Julie & Julia
• Avatar
• He’s Just Not That Into You
• Paper Heart
• Star Trek
• Coco Before Chanel
• Michael Jackson’s This Is It
• Watchmen

2009 Movies I Still Want To See

• Broken Embraces
• Where the Wild Things Are
• Up
• Earth
• New York, I Love You
• 9
• Little Ashes
• Planet 51
• Young Victoria
• Me and Orson Welles
• Lymelife
• Bright Star
• Brief Interviews with Hideous Men
• Pirate Radio
• The Brothers Bloom
• The Last Station
• The Merry Gentleman
• The Cove
• Zombieland
• The White Ribbon

500 Days of Summer Update.

I just noticed that 500 Days of Summer doesn’t arrive at Market Street until August 7th!  This is very disappointing news.  I will now have to wait another month.

Ramblings.

tergiversation\tuhr-jiv-uhr-SAY-shuhn, noun:

1. The act of practicing evasion or of being deliberately ambiguous.
2. The act of abandoning a party or cause.

This is my word of the day. Pretty ironic huh? Until now tergiversation was a word that I didn’t even know the meaning of yet for years it has been and still is so big a part of me. This word has been my survival … my life’s ambition … my existence and it wasn’t even in my vocabulary. How can you strive after something, devote yourself to something for so long and not even know what it means! A person must be completely “daft”, to use the British phrase, and much more than oblivious, as in not all there. How can you go through life in utter oblivion? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s mostly a choice of convenience that becomes a habit. And how can you go through life rather unaware of where you’re going, yet completely aware that you will end up in pain? As impossible as this statement sounds it’s actually very reasonable. If you aren’t headed somewhere you will probably end up nowhere. Nowhere could be numbness, but if the numbness wears off you will feel the pain. The pain of nowhere.

Tergiversation. This word chose me today. Today it said open your eyes to what you are to what you’re doing! Maybe today tergiversation will actually reach deep into me, grab my soul, pull it out, mash it up, spit on it a little, and change it into something else. Something that is capable of saying “Hey, today let’s not be evasive and ambiguous.” … Novel. Gee I wish I’d thought of that. But you see I can’t just change like that. I can’t just wake up. Don’t you think I’ve tried? It doesn’t last. It’s stuck there, right in the middle, in the very depths, as if it were placed there at the very beginning. As if it were the little seed from which the rest of me grew. It’s the root of my problems yet it’s the root of me. I’m doing the best I can to destroy myself, but it isn’t really eliminating my problem. It’s begun controlling me. At this point perhaps its’ name has changed to apathy.

I’ve tried before to remove my little pea that’s grown me into such a mess! How else would I know so assuredly that it is impossible to get out of me? Yes, tergiversation, apathy, whatever you want to call it, has been my friend and enemy, my “frenemy” I guess you could say, for a long time now only I never knew it’s name. Now perhaps I could just say, “Tergiversation, I’m through. Get out! I know your name now and I won’t put up with you! I will care now. Today I will try. Today … I will care and I will try. Today I will!” This seems so simple to any average person who has not been tormented, trapped, terrorized by tergiversation. But tergiversation is my friend too.

Yes I’m detached from things, but I’m also protected. When you don’t try you can’t fail, and when you don’t feel you can’t get hurt. Yes it’s cliché and unoriginal, but there is a reason for the overuse of these little phrases. You see truisms are never outdated. Truth outlives … well everything, and tergiversation is just a dusty old, albeit disastrous, defense mechanism that I’m pulling out of some old hat that existed long before me. Some old hat that I grew out of, that I’m still growing out of. Tergiversation reached out of that little hat and shook my hand one day and we’ve been together ever since. In a way my little “frenemy” has kept me sane … and alive. You see I have this theory that the majority of people who seem to feel the least are actually the ones that feel the most. They’re the ones who cannot cope with their feeling, and so to survive push the things that make them feel bad maybe even feeling itself, into the deepest corner of themselves and cover it with pillows to cushion the blows that it sends to their hearts. This isn’t to say, in some elitist way, that other people, “normal people”, don’t really feel as much as us “tergiversationalists”; it’s just that they have come up with other ways of coping with their feelings. I don’t have a talent for letting things go or laughing things off, or even crying over them. Bad things just sit in me and fester. They never leave! They just replay over and over consuming my every thought and slowly evolving into worse things than they were originally. I don’t know what to do with them. It’s easier not to think about them. To pretend problems don’t exist. But without allowing problems, pains, feelings to be truly felt, by living in this delusion in which none of my sorrows exist; by creating this complete fantasy I get further and further from reality. And reality with it’s hurts and unfulfilled purposes, and constant bombardments becomes more and more difficult to return to. I’m not a whole person and in a sense I can’t really exist in reality because I’m not even real. Not really me. I’m full of fake emotions; a little sawdust and straw to fill in the holes, but they’re seeping out like ash from my charred insides. I don’t have the strength to contain my world with only this half of me, yet I don’t feel I can cope with the whole of me. Meanwhile, my problems, in this little invisible box grow and grow until they become too big to hide and begin consuming me! And I find that this tergiversation, which I thought was on my side, my own invention to do with what I liked, was actually working against me all this time. It is controlling me. Not dissolving my sorrows but saving them up, waiting for one day to overwhelm me to exhaustion and defeat! …Okay, my melodrama is over for the moment.

My final thought is this: Now I’m fully aware that (let’s just call it what it is), apathy, is not my friend. It is not helpful. No matter how my relationship with this evil … what apparently is my nemesis, began, it is now certain that it is resolved to bring me down in a way that is very sneaky. It will lie to me, pretend to be my friend, trick me into believing some delusion, some fantasy, while it destroys my reality. Maybe apathy is too kind a name for this devil. However, I believe I did know this all along. The trouble is just in the escaping. How can I turn my back on my only safety? What else is there? How can I trust that I can survive in reality, when I’ve never been able to do it before? I know the right answer. It’s not so hard to deduce that obviously I should try my hand at living in reality, but it is much harder to do it than to say it. To get rid of my tergiversation is not so simply just to release it out into the atmosphere and move on with my life so carefree because I’ve tried this before. It is to cut off an arm and then learn to live my life without it. It is not easy and and I will definitely not be carefree anymore. So these are my thoughts.  I can’t say that any revelations I’ve had will produce results. I’ve had them before and gotten nowhere. But I can try.  I can try to live uncomfortably for a while.  I can try to find a new way of coping.  I only hope I can try.

Wow these words are really dumb, cheesy, and overly dramatic… . really kind of self-pitying!  I want to be the type of person that takes responsibility for themselves and their actions, but apparently I’m not.  Anyway … I honestly hope no one reads my words and I’m not really sure why I’m putting them out into cyberspace.  I guess I’m pretty certain of the fact that no one really will read them. : )  There is something kind of nice and exciting about knowing that my words are out there and that anyone might read them, but also this security in knowing that there is 99.9% chance that they will never be read.  It’s kind of thereputic somehow.  Anyway, Here you go invisable world!